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Out of context: Reply #74086
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- Continuity13
10.5 years ago, when I first moved to Munich, I started dating a woman for a while, and — whilst I really liked her, and she was 'crazy' about me (her word) — I was in a really weird place in my life, and I couldn't give her or the nascent relationship what was needed. Net result, she dumped me some months after.
Didn't like it at the time, but I figured there was nothing I could do. Nonetheless, I kept thinking back over the experience over the years, and had a nagging feeling I let something really awesome go. Well, that's on me, anyway.
She ended up moving to Berlin some years ago and, during 20212 and now, we communicated very sporadically. Which is to say, she was the one to initiate almost always. But it was never for any extended length of time. She'd text or message me on LinkedIn, ask me how I am, we have a brief conversation over the course of a couple of hours, then nothing. Radio silence, until the next time she does it (usually 1 year later or more).
So, anyway, in the course of these sporadic conversations, I find out she's got her PhD, a career in the federal civil service, she's a mother, has been in a relationship for years, and seems happy (despite some difficult family things, with her dad committing suicide almost 2 years ago). Nice.
So, like any reasonable person, I think, 'Well, that's that. No opening for me there.' Not that I was pining for her for ten years, but it was certainly a nagging question that would pop up occasionally.
So, fast-forward September 2022. She told me she would be in town for a few days on business, and wanted to know if I'd be up for a drink. This was 2 weeks ago.
Not having seen her in person for 6 years, when we had a brief coffee another time she was in town, I was understandably curious. So I took her to my favourite bar for a few cocktails, and it was great. Meaningful conversation came really easily for the whole time. No awkwardness. Lots of flirting. Physical contact.
Anyway, I ended up asking what is on her mind when she reaches out to me — out of the — blue like she's been doing for years.
Turns out, she told me that she still really likes me (which makes me suspicious, considering we barely talk, much less see each other, but I let it slide because it made my ego feel good) ... and that she was always afraid of seeing me in person, because she knew she would do something she would regret, if she was in another relationship at any given point. Ooooookay.
The next big nugget to come out of that evening was the fact her current relationship (with the father of her kid) is open. It didn't jive with me, based on what I knew of her. I never saw her as being that kind of person. But, well, it's not like I've been close enough with her over the years to realistically draw that conclusion. And, in any case, open relationships are hardly the weirdest thing one can hear about.
In the end, we agreed on a FWB situation, given we both like each other. However, that evening I didn't suggest consummating it. I had a lot to turn over in my head about it all and needed the chance to do so, and told her as much.
Off she goes to Berlin again the next day.
Last night I texted her to see how things are going with her, just out of friendly curosity (I hadn't texted her since she'd left). Nothing. Radio silence again.
That is, until this evening:
'hey, sorry not everything fine at the moment. I loved talking to you but no contact is better for my relationship'
OK, well, not much I can say to that, really, other than, 'I'm sorry that's the case'.
What a bizarre turn of events, and I am struggling to figure out what exactly happened in those two weeks since she was here, and what she means.
Clearly, though, this relationship of hers isn't that open (or, indeed, solid), if my mere presence can threaten it.
I was right to not sleep with her that night, as it would have made things immeasurably worse for me, emotionally, if I'd then received this message afterwards. So, kudos to me for keeping some measure of detachment to mull things over first. And I'm at the point with it all where I will probably forget about it by Wednesday.
Still. Weird.
- This is not nearly as entertaining as me flooding my kitchen was.
Meh. I hate situations like these.Continuity - You did the right thing.
But you also both missed out on an opportunity to really fuck things up with a singularly-carnal night.Nairn - One for the WankBank™Nairn
- I know. But, I don't think one carnal night would have taken things to a new, productive level. Not for me, anyway.Continuity
- she wanted to have fun, maybe fuck, but not your brain with the answers to these vibe destructing questions.
fire and forget opportunity missed.sted - The "Anti-catpower"Akagiyama
- between now and 20212... you really are the time traveller ;-) glad it's not only me that can't type or proof read here on qbnshapesalad
- Sex is one of those things you really want, until you've had it, then you want to get on with other things.shapesalad
- Branch swinging?drgs
- @shape Right? Don't get me wrong: she's sexy, and we really clicked that way. And I miss it with her. But something was just too off. I knew I'd pay for it ...Continuity
- ... emotionally, somehow.Continuity
- Think you made the right call.garbage
- WankBank LOLutopian
- Right call was made. Treat yourself to a steak and decent beer.shapesalad
- slow clapoey_oey
- people casually msg people on linkedin?pango
- The open relationship talk of hers was weird. Congratulations for not making yourself her toy. No hungover feelings.SimonFFM
- sounds like you nailed every moment of that situation. no ragretsinteliboy
- Def branch swinging. She eyed you for al life boat.cannonball1978
- Sorry to hear about this, but sounds like you did the right thing. I think there’s ainstrmntl
- George Clooney movie about this, and you are George in this instance.instrmntl
- Like i told you. Bitches be kraizeeeeeeKhurram
- Well you missed pussy twice.NBQ00
- Akagiyama... LOOOOOOOOOOLnecromation
- Although seemingly okay for them to do, Men can often get jealous of even outside emotional relationship happening with their female partners.shellie
- Like, they want to be open, but not their female parters and its bullshit. Ive also seen “open” used as a cover to disarm the other person and put them at ease.shellie
- Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
There's always going to be one person that's more "open" than the other one. Regardless of your genitals.palimpsest - I don't know if you've been paying attention but his story is about a married laaaddy trying to get dicked by her ex.
Continuity made the right choice.palimpsest - Well, not married, but in a committed relationship, nonetheless. But the point remains.
And yeah, I don't think I made the wrong call.Continuity - I dodged a dysfunctional bullet, methinks.Continuity
- @Shellie 'I've also seen “open” used as a cover to disarm the other person and put them at ease.' <— I think this was precisely the case.Continuity
- And, I probably wouldn't be surprised if her dude wasn't also jealous, as you said.Continuity
- If she's not married then she's not being oppressed.
Slay, queen!palimpsest - @shellie I've had the opposite, where a female partner pretended to be OK with an open relationship, but really wasn't. Jealousy killed everything..garbage
- ..including a friendship that goes back over a decade. My SO of 7 years ain't having it, so I'm monogamous now. Lucky for her, she's fucking awesome.garbage
- FWB are rarely that.autoflavour
- lots of people talk big on open relationships, but are mostly either 1 sided or just having fun talking about it, once it comes to action it becomes too realautoflavour
- This is not nearly as entertaining as me flooding my kitchen was.