confessions
Out of context: Reply #114
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- GM27818
I was dating this woman, had intense feelings for her. Intelligent (full-stack web developer), model looks (looked like Aslaug in Vikings) and so much fun to be around. Felt like I won the lottery. Then she started acting off. She had low energy, would sleep in etc. She blamed it on being diabetic (this is true btw) so I didn't think too much of it.
Flash forward to almost a year in. She flipped out on me because she couldn't get ahold of me one day. I, as some know from the motorcycle thread, race bikes and couldn't exactly stop in the middle of a race to answer my phone and didn't get back to her til later that night. I tried calming her down when I called her back and she didn't want to hear it.
We left things in limbo as she blew me off. I thought she'd just calm down and we'd kiss and make up and go back to normal. After a few months of waiting for her to respond I just said "fuck it" and put myself back out there again.
Present day. I'm dating someone else and the sister of my previous gf contacts me. She explains that she finally got GF's phone unlocked and apparently she OD'd and died the week after our argument and that's why all my texts /emails went unanswered. She also said that her sister was pretty good at hiding the drug problem from me (huge understatement) but she'd had a history with it. (Side note: this doesn't explain why her stupid catty chickenhead friends didn't think to contact me but um...cool)
I have moments where I'm so furious at myself for my absolute naïveté not to see what was going on and heartbroken that I couldn't do anything to prevent her death. Meanwhile, I haven't discussed this with my current gf while I'm trying to make sense of it and I'm just doing my best to bottle all this shit up. Which, probably is the worst thing I can do but that's my default setting.
Anyways thanks for reading and sorry for the downer of a confession. :/
- jesus dude, that's fucked up._niko
- omfgmonospaced
- wow. hang in there man, you did no wrongernexbcn
- Tell your GF and explain how you dont know how to process but that you want her to know so shes not clueless when you are emotionally erratic.cannonball1978
- Thanks. I know if she wanted to do drugs and keeps it from me then what could I do but its a total mindfuck to think I got dumped when actually it was far worseGM278
- Heavy.
Feel for you, man! But like @ernexbcn said above, you did no wrong. Don't ever slip down the guilt/regret hallway; there's no exit down that path.Krassy - and now I'm grieving the loss and I didnt even know, let alone know about the funeral or any of the other stuff. Just UGHGM278
- < thisjagara
- I keep saying I should have just showed up at her place but at I respected her space and didn't want to be some asshole just banging on the door.GM278
- ^ DO NOT blame yourself for any of this, man. Seriously. Even if you can't help but feel some guilt, you have GOT to fight that feeling!Krassy
- ...from the story you tell here, it sounds like you are not responsible for her death. MUCH bigger/deeper issues caused it.Krassy
- it's not your fault. it really isn't. take good care of yourself!sarahfailin
- Dude. That’s so fucked up. But in no way is this your fault.Ramanisky2
- i don't think I feel guilty over her death...but that I found love and now need to grieve that loss in a different way than when i thought she'd dumped meGM278
- Want to repeat what everyone said. Not your fault. And you should open up to your current gf. It's good to have someone close to talk about it.pango
- it was not your decision, nor responsibility, to keep her alive.imbecile
- fuck this guilt, drinking works for it not against so good luck getting out of it. (don't do that)sted
- fuck her 'friends' for not contacting you, and letting this happen in the dark in the first place.inteliboy
- A lot to deal with, and I'm sorry you have this tale to tell. You're a good bloke, from the admitted-little I can tell.
.
And +1 for ‘naïveté’Nairn - Sorry about that man. Take your time to grief. don't blâme yourself for this. Get support from your closest friends and gf. Get time for you.Salarrue
- It sounds cruel, but in the end, we are a tiny blob of living cells, alive for a mere fraction of time, held by gravity to a rock, orbiting a empty galaxy...shapesalad
- ...we're born, we mate, we die, that's life, It's short, enjoy it, if others leave before you, it's just how it played out. You've got your journey to follow.shapesalad
- dont go back in time and try to change things in your mind with evidence from the future - it will not help. it can take some time to heal wounds.api
- & take care how you tell (if you do) your new one about your loss. if your feelings where that strong, it could confuse her, so again, take care. all the best!api
- Fuck, what a story man. Yeah, not your fault. I can't imagine.DRIFTMONKEY
- I've been in similar situation. It's impossible not to blame yourself, but keep reminding yourself that it isn't, because it isn't.garbage
- "Troubled hearts map deserts, and they rarely do come back."garbage
- Looked like a slag in vikings?set
- drug addiction is an illness that makes people do crazy things and cause hurt for so many people. grieve as much as you need but don't blame yourself.lowimpakt
- aw fuck man :/ were there any moments where you thought "this is uncommon" (drug related) while you have been together?mekk
- No way... that's fucked up. Talk to us man. But in the meantime, I'd probably speak to you GF just like your previous GF should've spoken to you.Ianbolton
- DUDE... you are not responsible for someone else wellbeing... Tough has it is, it just prove your human BUT you never made her do what she did...necromation
- Ride them bikes, love your life and ride them bikes, oh and ride them bikes... Yes you heard me!necromation
- as usual, Set is here for your emotional support.
Don't keep this from your GF dude, if something big is bugging you, she deserves to know or she'll think it'sProjectile - shit dude, hang in there. She hide this from you, you sound like the person that would have helped if you had know.
Do talk to your GF, honesty is key.mugwart - Its a strange feeling having lost someone and only find out about it several month later. It suckspango
- Thanks all. Especially for not kicking me while I'm down. It's been rough.GM278