Best Man
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- fodcj0
Anyone got any good best man speeches you can share?
- boobs0
The most winning best man's speech is to just recite a long, extremely detailed list of the groom's most reprehensible habits
and embarrassing behaviors.Like recount a long story about one night where he banged some
really greasy fat chick, and woke up and threw her out without even cab fare. Then tell another very similar story. Then another. Then a long list of the various places you've seen him vomit from excess drink. Then a story about how he got ripped off buying cocaine. Then about the time he burned his car seat smoking a j.Give yourself a half hour to get the audience to really know him--like you do!
- MHDC0
"May all the ups and downs in your marriage be between the sheets" "CHEERS to the new couple."
It's also easy to remember completely tanked.
- ********0
my wedding was about a month ago, and my best man said to everyone that 'he can't even wipe his own arse'
- ********0
After the Maid of Honour is done giving her speech:
Whoo!! Wow! Wow, what an act to follow, huh? That girl's got more problems than a math book! Yikes! Haha! Howdy, folks! My name's Chossy, I want to give a speech about my best pal, rite here! Now, I've known this ol' sack o' potatoes here for 22 years! Though I've only liked him for the last nine! Haha!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! Well... not really! Not really, no. The guy was a real dick in high school! Oh come on, he knows as well as anybody!
Like, anyway -- when he asked me to be his best man, I thought long and hard about it! And, as some of you ladies out there know, my thoughts are the only thing long and hard about me! High-oh!! No, I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'! It's my thoughts and my CRAPS! HAHAHA! Oh, boy! Look at the new bride's face! Oh, man, she hates it when I work below the belt! G-d bless her! Lord knows he did in the body department! Holy moly, huh?! What a figure on this one -- Jiminy Christmas! She looks like she was sculpted out of marble by a SEX MANIAC! Haha!! Well, she met her match with my pal here! This guy's laid more pipe than the Mario Brothers! You know what I'm sayiing?! Although, they've probably eaten the same amount of mushrooms! Yeah! Hey -- quick mushroom story for ya': look, He and I were once so high, we got in a fistfight with a bowl of M&Ms! Yeah, and then we french-kissed for an hour!
Oh, boy!! Now I've done it!! Look at that! Look at the bride's face! Poop, drugs, and gay stuff -- every bride's dream, right?! I need another drink!
Look, folks -- marriage is about honesty! You know what else marriage is about? Lying your balls off! Yeah! You know what else it's about? It's about playing stupid for each other! Like, do I really think my wife believes me when I tell her I think about her when I masturbate?! WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!?!?!
Oh, my goodness! Guys! I gotta be honest with ya... I have segue-wayed into an area I could not have anticipated! Yeah! And I'm beginning to second-guess that pint of Jack Daniels and shot of beer I drank as a switcheroo! So, let's see if I can wrap this up! * Raise glass * A toast! A toast to the newly weds! Now, there's a sad statistic going around that says that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Well, the other 50%... end in death. * long pause * Yeah. I hope you two die!
Good luck, goofballs! DJ - work your magic!
- < One of the greatest SNL skits of all-time (to me).********
- < One of the greatest SNL skits of all-time (to me).
- Llyod0
my friend's getting married and I'm afraid of being asked to be best man. I just want to get drunk and hit on the bride's maids.