Joke of the Day
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- ApeRobot11
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- BuddhaHat0
Some gags from Edinborough Fringe 2016:
“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
“I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer ... came second.” Will Duggan
“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
- Beeswax5
A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."The man shot the wife...
A few minutes later he received another message:
"Fucking autocorrect: wifi, not wife"
- BuddhaHat0
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."
- MrT2
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
- BuddhaHat4
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"
- BuddhaHat7
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
- BuddhaHat7
A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago.
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Lawyer: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
- Why does he have to be from Chicago?wordssssss
- Wait Until You See What Happens Next! Junior Officers Hate Him!nb
- lol @nbbklyndroobeki
- Why does it have to be a lawyer?MrT
- Krassy8
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine
- kona6
Last night I noticed my wife had painted her eyebrows on a bit too high.
I said to her, "Sweetie, that looks awful"
She looked surprised.
- elahon0
What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
- One's a good year, the other is a great year.elahon
- it'd be better w/o the condomssarahfailin
- BuddhaHat3
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
- chukkaphob3
Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?
- BuddhaHat1
Cigarettes are just like weasels.
Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.
- BuddhaHat1
A rabbit spots a fox rolling a blunt.
The rabbit dashes to him and shout : " Don't smoke weed man, just go for a run with me!"
And so they went for a run.
After a running for a bit they spot a squirrel ready to snort up a big fat line of coke.
The rabbit again dashes to him and shouts : "Mate, don't do it! just go for a run with us!"
And so the squirrel joined them for a run.
After a bit more running they spot a grizzly bear prepping a syringe of heroin.
The rabbit dashes to the bear and before it could even shout , the bear gets up and superman punches the rabbit and knocks him straight out.
The fox and squirrel look at him in shock.
The bear reacts : "What!?!? Every time that rabbit snorts a line of meth he wants the whole fucking forest to go for a run with him"
- ********-11
Get your downvotes ready,
- how do you say 'hello' in chinese?
- 'hello in chinese'.the end.
- MrT1
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked "Do you have any
luggage?".The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light."
- ********-3
knock knock
- Dr Who's there?HAYZ1LLLA
- Europe********
- Dr Europe Who?HAYZ1LLLA
- No you're a poo********
- and I'm not a fucking doctor you cunt********
- Eurpopean me off cunt face!HAYZ1LLLA
- *EuropeanHAYZ1LLLA
- *You are peeingHAYZ1LLLA
- Yes thank you for breaking that down for us all********
- *You're pissingHAYZ1LLLA
- LOL at both of you...********
- lol********
