Joke of the Day
- Started
- Last post
- 679 Responses
- akiersky-4
Not really a joke, I guess. But funny!
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board.This is a true story.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident..You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.- https://www.youtube.…MHDC
- ^ HA!akiersky
- Note...any story that starts with "This is a true story" generally isn't.BusterBoy
- drgs2
When you lose your internet connection, its the perfect time to lay back and dive into your thoughts, to contemplate over your
oh wait its back on- lol_niko
- haha********
- :Dsted
- This literally just happened.section_014
- Gnash0
- Fuck, Bernie, get over it. You lost.zarb0z
- This is amazingautoflavour
- HijoDMaite5
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.... I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20″ cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy sighs and says: “Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"
- kona8
First Woman lands on the Moon. Soon after...
"Houston, we have a problem"
What is it?
"Oh, it's nothing."
What kind of problem are you having?
"It's nothing, I'm ok"
Please, tell us what's going on.
"I'm fine. It's fine."- lolGnash
- ( hmm. my better half did not appreciate this as much as i did)Gnash
- i don't understand this joke.********
- < lol.VectorMasked
- ********-2
I just made this one up:
If you're mother is fucking a Latino you both end up calling him Papi...
- Haha********
- daddy issues?********
- maybe if i had posted this in jokes in poor taste i would have gotten some up votes...********
- Haha
- chukkaphob-2
checkout this joke:
I keep trying to buy those divider sticks, but the cashiers keep putting them back :(
- You're autistic, aren't you..********
- ^ LOLAl_dizzle
- ^^ LMAO! hilariouschukkaphob
- making fun of autism - soooo effin' hilarous. SMH.chukkaphob
- calm down chukka, its just the internetAl_dizzle
- @Al_dizzle you find autism "jokes" funny too? cause it's "just the internet" so you get a free pass? whatevs, braaaahchukkaphob
- lol autism confirmed********
- lol insensitivity douchebaggery confirmed by an internet meme sensationchukkaphob
- http://i.imgur.com/6…Al_dizzle
- Just learn to laugh at yourself you cunt********
- hahah, total fucking Speccy 48K, mate.detritus
- You're autistic, aren't you..
- Beeswax0
Kim Jong Un announces the world that North Korea will land the first man on the sun in 10 years.
One of the members of the communist party stutters "bb-but the sun is so hot, how are we going to do that?"
After a brief silence the Supreme Leader answers "We will land there at night!"
The whole room fills with applause and cheers.Meanwhile in Washington, President Trump who is watching this announcement in oval room turns away from the screen unimpressed and says "What a dumbass, there's no sun at night."
- sarahfailin-2
hey guys
what's marychain's favorite image format?- >sarahfailin
- >sarahfailin
- >sarahfailin
- .gilf !!!sarahfailin
- .gilf?detritus
- damnitdetritus
- gilf is marychain's golf course nicknamested
- ohh shitscarabin
- Gardener1
some of the best from The Fringe Festival
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
- The top joke from the Fringe would've been even funnier if the guys name was "Kerr Ching" not Ken Cheng. ;)microkorg
- Greedo0
An angry wife (Ekaitte) 2 her husband (Akpors) on phone.
Ekaitte: Where the hell are you? ...
Akpors: Honey, u remember dat gold shop where u saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in luv wit it?
Ekaitte (relaxed): Yes, my king
Akpors: Remember I had no cash 2 buy it 4 u dat day & I said I will buy it 4 u one day?
Ekaitte (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love!
Akpors: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop!===
Akpors goes to a store for groceries. He finds cat food at a very special low price. He buys a dozen cans of cat food. The manager sees this and thinks that Akpos probably doesn't own a cat and he might give the cat food to his children. He goes to Akpos and ask him to bring the cat as proof for him to buy the cat food. Akpors goes and bring his cat and the manager lets him buy the dozen cans.
A few days later Akpors finds dog food at a low lower price. He buys a dozen cans of dog food. Again the manager wants proof that he owns the dog. Akpors goes to get his dog and the manager lets him buy.
A few days later Akpors goes to the store carrying a bag. He ask
the manager to put his hand in the bag and feel what is inside.
After feeling what's in the bag the manager says, "What the
f**k? What is this? Is this poo?"
Akpors nodded and replied, "Yes, I wanted to buy toilet paper
and I don't want you to send me back for proof again."
- autoflavour0
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler..
I woke up exhausted
- drgs5
Dear facebook friends, concerning my dick pics being sent out to all of you...
My account was hacked!
Therefore no new pics will be sent out this week.
- ApeRobot1
- should be in the Useful threadGnash
- she was the best thing on vineautoflavour
- Gardener0
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one says to the other,
"I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."
- scarabin_net3
three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
do you really think that's a coincidence?