Joke of the Day
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- dijitaq0
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
& pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle & walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
- MrT0
What's the best thing about smoking meth?
Only one more sleep til Christmas!
- i don't get itsine
- Small children understand the amount of days better when you tell them how many times they have to sleep.********
- Children love Christmas so they will always ask how many days (how many sleeps) until Christmas.********
- Since meth will keep you awake the positive side of it is that it will only take one sleep until Christmas.********
- Lol...thanks for explanation :)
GRAC
- elahon0
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed....
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
- lol'darne
- If you replaced 'Irishman' with 'Native American', for instance, would it still be funny?********
- Yeah.
boobs - It would be funnier. Fuck the Indians.iCanHazQBN
- autoflavour0
A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE FUCKING BADGE!"
- GeorgesIV0
why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
- BusterBoy0
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
- GeorgesIV0
They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, youll do anything id like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the dude grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
- dijitaq0
how can you tell if the woman you're dating already have kids?
- -->dijitaq
- when taking off your shirt she yells "arms up!"dijitaq
- lolVectorMasked
- GeorgesIV0
- oh dear...********
- http://i.imgur.com/7…Akagiyama
- hahaohhhhhsnap
- oh dear...
- MrT0
Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. It's pretty easy.
I just stand at the back and ting.
- Dillinger0
I went diving the other day. I asked the diving instructor, why do you have to roll over backwards to get into the water. He said, because, if you rolled over forwards you would still be in the fucking boat.
- GeorgesIV0
A wizard walked into a gay bar >>> >> >
- >> >> >> >>GeorgesIV
- and disappeared with a poof.GeorgesIV
- http://www.youtube.c…********
- riskunlogic0
A beautiful princess walks trough an enchanted forrest. Suddenly she sees a frog with a golden crown on his head, hopping on the ground. She picks him up and asks: "If I kiss you, will you turn in to a beautiful charming prince?" The frog replies: "No Milady, that is my brother. I have to get a blowjob."
- drgs0
A woman sends her programmer husband to the store:
- Buy a whole roll of salami, and if they have eggs, take a dozen.
Programmer at the store:
- I would like a roll of salami. Also, do you have eggs?
- Yes we do, sir.
- Then another 11 rolls of salami.
- sem0
Whats big, green and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
