Joke of the Day
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- seeessess0
I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend
She jumped first. As her neck snapped and her skull split open spraying blood all over the rocks below, I thought,"That'll teach you to lie about your weight"
- elahon0
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
- sea_sea0
if a cop asks for papers and i say scissors, do I win?
- aanderton0
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
- Apologies for the length.aanderton
- huh?
necromation - http://anti-joke.com… necroaanderton
- HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAIogout
- hahaha awesomeProjectile
- hahahaBattleAxe
- exceptionaldigitdaily
- awesomeidentity
- autoflavour0
A skeleton walks into a bar and the barkeep asks- "What'll ya have?"
The skeleton says "A pint of beer and a mop."
- dbloc0
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher
My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
- Iogout0
Argon walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.
- BusterBoy0
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
- robotinc0
Knock Knock
Who's there?
9-11
9-11 Who?
i thought you'd never forget
- ********0
- good frickin godIogout
- fuck off with thatfuturemongolian
- kill urselfkota
- Beeswax0
A penis has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him.
- bigtrick0
Q:what does moses do when he wants to drink some tea?
A: hebrews it.
- bigtrick0
bump
someone tell me a joke
- Mr_Right0
Guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor he hasn't been feeling very well lately. The doctor looks at him and says "I'll need to do a few tests." The sick man agrees.
The doctor walks over to the door, opens it, and in walks a dog who goes up to the ill man, looks him up and down, barks at the doctor and walks back out the door.
As the sick man tries to make sense of what just happened in through the door walks a cat. The cat walks up to the man, looks him up and down, turns to the doctor, meows and walks back out the door.
The doctor is quiet for a moment as he studies the sick man. Finally the doctor blurts out "I don't know what's wrong with you, it's a mystery."
The man is dumbfounded. "I'm just going to have to find another doctor!" he says.
As the ill man is getting dressed the doctor walks over to his desk and brings back a paper and hands it to the man. "Here's your bill" he said. The ill man looks at at the bill and yells "$500 dollars! You must be kidding me, FOR WHAT!" The doctor looks at the man and says, "the office visit is free but the lab work and the cat scan are $250 each."
- ********0
There are two bee keepers . . . And one says to the other, "How many bees have you got?"
The second bee keeper replies.... "I've got 10,000 bees.”
The first asks, "How many hives have you got?"
The second replies.... "I've got 20 hives".
“20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
"Yep.”“How may bees have you got?" The second bee keeper asks the first.
He replies, “I've got a million bees.”
“A million bees?!" the second shouts.
"Yep."
He then asks, "How many hives have you got?"
"One.""A million bees - one hive?..... Bloody hell that's a lot of bees to one hive.”
The first replies, "Yeah, I know. Fuck em'.”
- Naygon0
Why did the sperm cross the road?
- >>Naygon
- Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.Naygon
- hahaha. nice.johnny_wobble
- hhahahdetritus
- Raniator0
A man walks up to a prostitute in the street and they start having sex. A policeman shines a torch on them and asks what they are doing.
The man replies "I'm having sex with my wife..."
Policeman says, "Sorry I didn't know that."
Man replies "neither did I till you shone the torch on us!"
- bigtrick0
tell me a joke, someone please.
