Joke of the Day
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- monoboy0
Three men are drinking in the bar at the top of the Emirates Park Hotel. The first one says, 'did you know that the thermal updraft outside is strong enough to keep you in the air for hours'?
That's bullshit says the second bloke, prove it. So the first bloke leaps out of an open window, circles the building and flies straight back in through the same window.
Wow, says the second bloke. I've got to try that. So he puts his drink down, runs up to the window and leaps out and plummets all 77 floors to his death.
Third man turns to the first, 'Superman, you're a right cunt when you're drunk'.
- bliznutty0
what does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomiac do?
stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog
- Sandman_19820
I was digging the car out of the snow this morning when some guy came around the corner and asked if I could give him a push... When I got there the fucker was sitting on a sledge!
- A sledge?dopepope
- That's English for Sled or Toboggan
http://www.lovelylin…Sandman_1982
- sinjun0
What do you call a fat computer?
Adell
- Sandman_19820
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning.
Can you believe that? 2:30am!!!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums!!!
- ********0
From scarabin
"so now you're saying it's not narcissism, it just threatens your anonymous shit-talking safety blanket how about you just quit being a dick, dick? maybe people would like you more and you wouldn't have to make ego-gratifying comments like this"
- ok_not_ok0
What do you call the hair between your grandma's boobs?
Pubes!
- elahon0
I went to the doctor the other day and found out my
new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm
a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's
wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny."
- BuddhaHat0
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunken shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunken replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunken answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure ‘dis is where he fell in?"
- BuddhaHat0
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
- BuddhaHat0
A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by
herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?""No thank you," Maxine replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
- Raniator0
Tim Cook in charge of Apple? Wait for the headlines...
''Cook promises to improve Apple turnover''.
- Raniator0
BBC News: Three girls, 15, raped in flats.
I prefer mine in heels.
- Raniator0
Saw a chameleon today.
So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
- discoduro0
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
- loool0
Two sculptures of male and a female stood in the park for 50 years. God decides to grant them one hour of life. They immediately ran into the bushes and stayed there for whole hour.
When they came up God smiled and said: "I get the point, and I will grant you one more hour of life!"
The woman said to the man: "Great!!! now YOU hold the pigeon and I'll shit on his head!!!"
- WhiteFace0
A barman says, "We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here!"
A neutrino walks into a bar...
- ********0
The barman says 'We don't serve neutrinos in here'.
A neutrino walks into a bar.
- FUCK, LITERALLY LAST POST. AND A MONTH AGO. LOL That's bad. I'm sorry.********
- hahascarabin
- set...you're no neutrinoPeter
- how was the wormhole, set?coldarchon
- FUCK, LITERALLY LAST POST. AND A MONTH AGO. LOL That's bad. I'm sorry.
- toodee0
I met a transvestite from Gtr Manchester yesterday.
...he had a Wigan address.