Joke of the Day
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- 74LEO0
How did the blonde fall out of the tree?
raking leaves.
- ********0
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
- ********0
i have indeed marmaladed my dick in a girls arse
- Projectile0
Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan
Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber
- MrMackem0
Whats the difference between Light and Hard?
You can take a piss with the light on.
- elahon0
"People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’"
-Dave Attell
- elahon0
Q: Why do weathervane's have cocks on them?
A: Because if they had cunts, the wind would blow right through.
- bigtrick0
For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS. It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin. At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari. They go for about a million and a half."
The old guy is shocked: "That's a lot of moolah. Why do they cost so much?"
The cool young dude says proudly, "Because these babies can do 320 miles an hour!"
The gent on the Moped asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," responds the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window, and peers around.
Leaning back on his Moped, the old guy says, "That's a pretty nice car!"
Just then, the red light turns green, so the young producer decides to floor it. Within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear-view mirror, which seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it might be, and whoooooosh! Something whips by him, at an incredible velocity.
The young guy is nonplussed: "What on earth could be faster than my car?!" Then, ahead of him, he sees the same dot, coming back. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It almost looks like the old man on the Moped.
"Couldn't be," mumbles the producer to himself. "How could a Moped outrun my Ferrari?!" Again, the blasted dot appears in his mirror. Whoooooosh! Ka-boooom! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young guy jumps out, and it IS the old fellow!
Of course, the Moped and its driver are hurtin' bad, so the Hollywood producer kneels down by him and says, "You're seriously injured - is there anything I can do for you?"
The old guy moans, "Yes... unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
- Miesfan0
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
- hahabigtrick
- BWAHAHAAAAAAARamanisky2
- call an amber lamp!74LEO
- autoflavour0
Women are like parking spaces...
...normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
- homeostatic0
What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
.
.
.
.
Gang rape.
- rupedixon0
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side
- WhiteFace0
What's the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?
Being Australian.
- fooler20
I made this up when I was a little kid....
What did John Lennon say when he stapled his balls together while doing a headstand?
- Come together, right now, over mefooler2
- please don't make up any more jokesbliznutty
- it's funny if you are 6fooler2
- I LAL'd .....
laughed a little ..Ramanisky2 - i snorted.bigtrick
- Miesfan0
I met both Carl Page and Larry Page at a party hosted by a Stanford friend of mine in 1998. Carl gave me his card for eGroups and said "we're hiring". Larry gave me his card for Google—a flimsy bit of paper obviously printed by bubble jet—and said "we're hiring".
I said, "Nah, who needs another search engine?" and went to graduate school.
I still have the card.
- BWAHAHHAHAHHAARamanisky2
- what the... wow.********
- That's a tall story...right?BusterBoy
- no way is that true!
if so awesome. you idiot! :DHombre_Lobo_2 - not ture. but good try.tymeframe
- ********0
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
- fugged0
Q: Why did the feminist cross the road?
A: To suck my dick.(must be told in the presence of people who are offended easily)
- bliznutty0
After their eleventh child a backwoods redneck couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children or the bed might break and kill the dogs underneath. The doc knew the man could not afford a vasectomy, and recommended that he cut his balls off in the quickest, most painless way possible. Shocked, the man went back to his wife and they contemplated how the hell. They figured his old chevy truck, some duct tape, and a rope might work perfect for this situation but just couldn't get courage to do it. Later that night his wife got upset and ran out the house to get cigarettes but never came back. His niece came over with a 30 pack of budweiser to get him drunk and fuck (in front of the 11 kids).. Knowing that he didn't want anymore kids and his neice was just getting to the age she could get pregnant - he knew it was time to get rid of his balls.
I'm making this up.. anyone want to help with the end?
- taosoul0
3 men walk into a The Guinness Book of world records HQ.
the first man claims he has the worlds smallest arm.
the second man claims he has the worlds smalles foot.
the third man claims he has the worlds smallest penis.
after being tested? by the Guinness Book of Records, the first man said "wow, i really have the worlds smallest arm!"
the second man said "wow, i really have the world smallest foot!
the third man storms out and says: "WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER!?"