Joke of the Day
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- teh0
Two guys walk into a bar, separately, and have a seat at the bar.
One guy notices the other has a black eye, just like himself.
“Hey buddy, how’d you get your shiner?”
“Well, I was at the train station, and the ticket girl was fuckin’ hot. And instead of two tickets to Pittsburg, I slipped and said ‘two PICKets to TITTsburg’ and she hit me square in the face. How about you? How’d you get yours?”
“Something similar actually! I was just having dinner with my wife, and what I MEANT to say was, ‘Honey, can you please pass the peas?’ But I slipped up and said “You fucking bitch you ruined my life!”
- dijitaq0
i once asked a welshman how many times he had sex. he started counting and fell asleep
- bliznutty0
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000
an inch."The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
- MrT1
A transvestite from Greater Manchester walked into a bar.
He had a Wigan address.
- GeorgesIV0
What's the name of the cow that can see into the future?
- elahon1
What's red and smells like blue paint?
- summs0
What is the difference between a lamborghini and a boner?
- elahon0
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and summs' boner?
- timeless0
Why didn't the skeleton go to the movies?
- scarabin0
^ i made a book in first grade with a version of that joke in it
- dijitaq1
My wife said sex is best on holidays.
It was the worst postcard I ever received.
- GeorgesII1
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
- Gardener0
Ebola??
Ee Bola?
I thought that were something me Nan said
when she saw one o' them London hats, dickhead
- BusterBoy0
A couple of Mormons knocked on my door the other day. Must be the 10th time it's happened...each time I've basically told them to bugger off.
This time I was a bit bored, so I invited them in. Opened the door, welcomed them in and we sat down in the lounge room.
I said 'OK fellas, what happens next'.
One of the Mormons replied 'I'm not sure...we've never made it this far on a door knock'.
- 1/10HAYZ1LLLA
- I got talking to a few mormon kids a few years ago in london. Let one of them have a go on bike. Had never ridden one!********
- my bike*********
- for a second I thought, I wonder if this is an elaborate ruse to steal my bike.********
- then I realised I could probably walk faster than he was riding it********
- GeorgesII0
Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"
Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time. Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?" Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".
- GM2780
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yes! Somebody stole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It was at the end of this key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s pants are unzipped and his penis out for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, “Ohhh God... they got my girlfriend too!!!”
- pablo280
For those of you who think I don't have friends, you are wrong. I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
- GeorgesII0
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.
- elahon0
What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
- >>elahon
- You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bits.elahon
- hmmm j'ai faimgeorgesIII
- gahscarabin
- i don't know what i was expectingscarabin
- dear god :/Gnash
- http://media0.giphy.…moldero
