Joke of the Day
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- scarabin0
this joke was found in a medieval manuscript.
“Been married?” says one man to another. The reply: “Aye. Thrice. But each woman hanged herself from a tree in my garden.” “Well, bless my balls!” says the first man. “A magic tree!”
- scarabin-1
here's another:
"A man and woman notice a ram rutting the sheep. The woman asks how the ram chooses his mate, to which the man replies that the ram chooses the sheep that farts. She asks if this is the same for men and he tells her that, yes, it is. Immediately, the woman lets out a fart and the two have sex. A little while later she farts again, with the same result. When the woman farts for a third time the man, who is by now exhausted, exclaims: “I’m not making love to you again, even if you were to blow out your very soul.”
- http://rs932.pbsrc.c…********
- i feel like if i was living in the downton abbey era this would be hilarious.mantrakid
- yeah they're not great. interesting to see what their sense of humor was like thoughscarabin
- http://rs932.pbsrc.c…
- HijoDMaite0
This thread won't work that well with new notes.
- georgesIII-2
Lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch. (
- MrT2
What do Jeremy Clarkson, Whitney and Amy Winehouse have in common?
None of them are doing Top Gear anymore.
- georgesIII0
Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."
The cowboy from New Mexico says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I picked it up, took it to the doc, and he got me fixed up right. Didn't shed a tear."
The cowboy from Texas sat silently stirring the fire with his dick.
- BusterBoy0
With New Zealand in the cricket World Cup Final, the country has gone into a frenzy. So much so that the price of lamb has gone up to $40 per hour.
- georgesIII4
I was in bed last night with my wife.
She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.
- georgesIII6
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes.
Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'
- Projectile0
I bought some shoes off a drug dealer today.
Dunno what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day
- Projectile1
How did the mathematician cure his constipation?
He had to work it out with a pencil
O_O
- georgesIII1
A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
- georgesIII0
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party. He invited all of his friends and neighbours including Colin, the local aboriginal in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting...
At the height of the party, the host said, “I've got a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in.”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.. everyone turned around to see that Colin was in the pool fighting the croc. He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his fingers, throwing punches at it's snout and biting it's tail as the crocodile snapped violently back.
There was water churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were raising hell...
Finally after a few minutes of intense struggling a calm came over the pool.. the thrashing stopped, the splashing water died down and the croc floated to the top of the pool... bobbing upside down like a dead goldfish. Exhausted and gasping for air Colin clambered out of the pool.
Everybody stood in silence, staring at him in disbelief.
The host said, “Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”“Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,” said Colin.
The rich man said, “Mate, I've gotta give you something. You won a hell of a bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“Nah thanks. I don’t wannit,” answered Colin.
The host said, “Come on, Colin, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about you take my new Porsche?
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, “Well Colin, what do you want then?”
Colin said, “I just want to find the bastard who pushed me in.”
- georgesIII1
A man walks into a bar with a dog, tells everybody "This is the smartest dog, Butch, he can even talk!"
The dog says "Yep, I can talk."
A guy at the bar says "That don't prove he's the smartest dog!"
The man says "Okay, I'll prove it, then. Butch, here's five bucks, go buy me a newspaper." and he gives the dog five bucks and the dog leaves.They wait, one hour, two hours, three hours, Butch never comes back, so they go out looking for him. And they find him right behind the bar shagging a lady dog!
The man says "Butch, what the hell, you've never done this before!"
Butch says "Yeah, well, I've never had the money before."
- Al_dizzle1
A girl once told me that pineapple juice makes your semen taste better. So I mixed it in a glass and to my surprise, she was right.
- georgesIII-2
bumpin this one too
---A Mexican once told me he had magic powers and would disappear on the count of 3.
"Uno"
"Dos"
Poof! He was gone without a tres.
- maquito6
It was all fun and laughter until we figured out the stutterer wanted Ham.
- georgesIII0
An engineer dies and is sent to hell,..
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
