Joke of the Day
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- ceiling_cat0
ask me if i'm a fireman
- Not_Just_Another0
A man flying in a hot air balloon realises he is lost. He reduces his altitude, spots a man in a field down below and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man replies, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" says the man. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" says the balloonist. "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
- Projectile0
(for the americans/aussies: a chav is a lowlife redneck skinny gangster waanabe runt)
whaddya call a chav in a suit?
the defendant
Whaddya call a chavette in a white tracksuit?
the bride
Whaddya call a chav in a box?
innit.
Whaddya call a bleeding chav in a box?
innit blud
Whaddya call a bleeding chav in a bank vault?
safe iinit blud
- ********0
My old as dirt uncle told me this joke once, while completely smashed at a family reunion.
A tired door-to-door salesman is making the last leg of his round for the day, when he sees a likely house for his last pitch. He wipes the sweat from his brow, pulls himself together and dusts himself off, and proceeds to the front door. He rings the doorbell, but no one answers at first. He hears loud music and the sound of something smashing about inside, so he rings again.
The door flies open, and there stands but a child, dressed to the nines. He's got a fedora on his head that's ten sizes too big, classy suspenders that drape loosely over his shoulders, pants that are barely held up by the suspenders, a crisp white undershirt, and a cigar hanging out of his mouth that looks to be the size of a baguette by comparison to the child.
Astonished that anyone would let their child ask this way, the salesman demands, "Are your parents here, kid?"
The kid takes a puff from the lit cigar and exhales it at the salesman.
"Does it fucking look like my parents are home, chap?"
- isakosmo0
what cheese do you use to hide a small horse?
mascarpone
- colin_s0
what's brown and rhymes with snoop?
dr. dre.
- bigtrick0
What does a Russian gulag prisoner do if he spots some snails?
He Solzhenitsyn.
- ********0
jesus that was terrible, cubanhaze.
- Frosty_spl0
Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds.
There are 20 of them.
- hellrod0
How do you take your coffee?
Like my women... ground up and stored in the freezer. Pow!
- pale and full of liquor.co2
- cold and bitter.baseline_shift
- black and 2 days old.baseline_shift
- strong, black and with a spoon in itscarabin
- Coffeemaker0
this thread made my day.. cheers!
- ********0
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
- Ramanisky20
A salesman goes up to a house
and knocks on the front door.It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
- JayCee0
Why did the blond go to church
*hold your arms out to your side
She heard there was a guy hung like this.
- Baths0
whats the most mexican part of your body?
- scribbler0
what do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.
- Mal0
A guy has forgot his wedding anniversary 3 years in a row and is determined not to fuck up again. He decides to make his Wife a fancy French meal with escargot. On the way home from work he buys all the stuff for the meal then stops in the pub for a pint. Two hours later and drunk he realizes the time and quickly heads home on foot. As he runs the path leading up to his door he trips and spills the snails on the path. His Wife yanks open the door red faced and angry. The man quickly bends over waving his arms and says "Come on for fuck sake hurry up you lot".
- I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't figure out which part was funny. It started good though.********
- it works better as a visual joke methinksMal
- I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't figure out which part was funny. It started good though.
- Mal0
Q. How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One and it's not funny!